a letter to my unborn son

photo credit: my talented husband, Travis.

photo credit: my talented husband, Travis.

I wonder what you’ll be like, baby. Part of me hopes that you’ll be an old soul but I don’t want to put that on you. It’s enough that you’ll be fresh and new, with no bruises or burdens. In wishing that you would be an old soul, I’m already asking for something from you and that’s not my job. It’s not your job to make life easier or better for me. I can only ask that you take care of yourself when you can, that you listen to me when I tell you about the dangers and goodness of this world, that you try to Love even when it’s hard and I can ask for your forgiveness when I inevitably hurt you (though I’ll do my best to not do that very often).

I’m sure I already love you but you know baby, I still can’t wrap my head around your personhood. I can hardly believe, even as my stomach grows daily, that a living, breathing, thinking, feeling soul, has taken up residence inside me. It’s slowly washing over me in increments.

I look forward to making you feel known. To showing you that you belong and that you have a place here in this world of souls in the millions. It will also be my job to tell you about God because sweet one, humans are not enough to hang on to. You need them, we all need each other, to be in relationship with each other but humans aren’t everything. Not even your Dad and I are enough really. We can only guarantee that we’ll be here for you until we stop breathing and we don’t even know when that will be. We can’t even protect you from everything while we’re here, least of all our own mistakes. But we can tell you about your place in the kingdom, this big, big world you’re coming into.

And you my dear one, have a sure place here, even without us. You are loved by people on this earth and by the One who is here on earth and in the ethos all around and beyond this life.

You are privileged to be able to help your fellow man. You can make someone else’s life better and easier and you can always do this, no matter your circumstances because even the smallest acts of love, count. Your knowledge of that truth, is your greatest privilege. When your own troubles get to be too much or it’s too dark, my prayer is that you will remember that.

Let me also tell you another secret. Everyone you see, has a soul. They have a fabric running all around and in them of woven hopes and hurts, wishes and dreams, triumphs and fears, love and pain. It’s not always plain to our sight the scars that someone is wearing below what they choose to show the world. But for anyone who truly looks to really see, there will be signs and here’s another secret. You have a superpower, one that you can flex and it’s this: to look with love. Really try to see those around you, as someone who truly loves them would, even just for a second. Practice this on the subway. If you can learn to love people there, you will practically be a jedi of love. (I’ll explain what a jedi is later; you’re gonna really get a kick out of that.)

Look for the light and don’t be afraid of the dark. The darkness sharpens your soul’s eyes, so that you can see even more when the darkness lifts. Don’t try to avoid the darkness when life brings it. Sometimes pain and confusion have to be felt and given their due. It’s okay.

You can be secure in your truth. Someone else’s denial of it, cannot rob you of that.

Try to be kind to everyone. It’s hard sometimes but in the end, makes it much easier to live with yourself. Recognize other people’s wounds, even when they’re not your fault.

I seem to be giving you commands but I don’t mean to. I just want to make your life easier, richer and less scary. I can’t protect you from the very real pain that being human brings. But I can offer you ways to navigate it, to live and love with and through it and to grab light wherever you can.

Just remember, that the way you treat yourself and others, will have more effect on the quality of your life, than anything else you can physically do. So think on love first and last and you’ll be okay; content and even happy sometimes. Don’t worry about chasing happiness. Chase Love and let it catch you.

photo credit: Lindsay Brayda

Jaime Randall